*yes, I realize there is an absolute irony in that I haven't actually shared this blog's existence with anyone in 5 years, so who exactly am I so paranoid about judging me?
So here goes some real life, off the cuff, rambling thoughts.
Recently I've been feeling weighed down by how much struggle and sadness there is in the world. Obviously there's been terrible stuff happening all over the world for... ever. But for some reason it's really been weighing on me how much pain there seems to be everywhere, at every level. From the homeless people I walk by every day on the streets here, to friends and family going through personal stuff, to the precarious future of America, to all the global turmoil. It's just so much and there
There's part of a Warsan Shire poem I haven't been able to get out from the back of my head...
My thought process when thinking about this massive issue breaks up into some basic questions (or maybe I'm just used to outlining answers since all I've done for a week and a half is law school exams)...
#1 - What's up with me? So the first thing I felt like I needed to tackle was why I've been so affected by world events recently. Not that as humans we shouldn't be... but like I said, the tragedies in the news are really not anymore terrible than the tragedies that were in the news a year ago, or five, or twenty, or a hundred. So why am I so caught up in it?
I think the simple answer is that I just don't have anything going on in my personal life right now. It's true. And maybe that isn't a bad thing. I thought my life would be completely taken over by school, but it wasn't the all-consuming experience I'd anticipated. Not to say I couldn't have spent more time studying. Speaking of... I should really be studying for my last final which is Monday. Or sleeping. But I've been totally caught up in this idea of getting out my thoughts, so here we are. So with a casual disinterest in school, no relationship of my own, and few friends in the immediate vicinity, I'm left with preoccupying thoughts of just what the fuck is wrong with the world? Which is a glib way of putting it, but not inaccurate. And trying to unpack that question can get pretty dark and pretty existential relatively quickly.
#2 - What's up with the world? I was talking to Katie O yesterday and rambling about this topic and she said, "Ya know, I don't know what it was like to live in the 40s after WWII, or the 20s after WWI or the 1870s after the Civil War, so I don't know that things really are any worse now than historically." Which is true. Perspective is a bitch. We can't know. We can barely imagine. So let's allow for a minute, that things aren't actually getting worse... The problem is that doesn't really help the issue. It actually makes it harder. Because then we're not faced with a problem that has a contemporary stimulus that we can isolate and potentially address. We're dealing with a simple fact of life that the world is full of pain and sadness and people are bad to each other and that is how it has been and how it will be. If that doesn't bum you out, I guess I need some of whatever you're on.
#3 - Is there anything anyone can do about it? I don't know. I hope so. But even if there is, I'm not sure this line of thinking helps me at the moment, so I'll leave it, at least for now, without further thought.
#4 - Is there anything I can do about it? Ok, so the world sucks, what now? I suppose one option is just "do me." This is the passive approach that I think most people take by default. I could just shrug my shoulders, say, this is just how it is, and go about my life. This doesn't appear to be working for me (see preoccupation discussion that started this).
I could set some lofty goal of changing the world and throw myself into whatever it would take to achieve that. If we're being real, that probably in the short term just means doing well in law school. So I should probably go to bed so I can get up and study and maybe get a decent grade on my Crim final Monday.
But I'm a modern American. I like my gratification instant, thank you very much. So that brings me to the two things I'm trying to focus on right now to make the world a better place. I tried to identify goals and then some concrete, measurable actions to take to accomplish them (look, I actually remember something from being a teacher!). Also I'm writing them down!
Fun fact! Did you know you're 42% more likely to accomplish a goal if you write it down?
Like I was saying, my goals...
1) Work on understanding and appreciating myself. I think this means two things for me right now. First, I want to get back into some of the Eastern phil stuff I got into in college. I think Buddhism and Taoism and Krishnamurti have a lot of ideas that could really help me shape my views on the world and define a purposeful approach. So I'm going to spend some of my Christmas break hitting the books on that stuff. Second, I still have some work to do on figuring what I want and who I am. What does this look like? Writing. I love writing and I love words and so I'm going to commit to writing more. Hopefully here, on a variety of topics from things like this, personal and introspective to newsy things to fun anecdotes if anything interesting ever happens to me ever again (seriously I've had the most boring semester...). But also... I started writing a book, or rather a memoir. I'm sure that sounds crazy because I'm young and not famous and who the fuck cares. But I do, and that's who it is for! I have about two chapters and it has already been emotionally hard, but in a good way. By stepping back and recounting certain times in my life and choices I've made, I'm owning them. And I'm connecting them to each other and to where I am today. And I think that process is really going to help me let go of some of the self-judgment I've been carrying around and understand myself so hopefully I can make choices in the future that are better for me.
2) Make small choices every day to improve the lives of those around me. Today I went for a long walk. I smiled at almost every person I made eye contact with. One exception was this guy who was a total dick at CVS. Look, I'm not a saint, I'm just a girl trying to do better. That guy was rude and he got the mean-mug he deserved. But I digress. I'm hesitant to go too much into the things that I've done or plan to do, because I don't want to "toot my horn" or really invite judgment about whether I'm doing enough or anything worthwhile or if I was a shitty person for not doing these things before... So I'll leave it at: I'm trying to make a conscious choice to be a more positive influence on those around me and to brighten or ease the day of those I come in contact with. Wish me luck...
Also, I'm gonna go ahead and stick a quote and the link to the source post below. I read this earlier this week and it hit home. It isn't perfect, or honestly particularly insightful, life-changing stuff (but really, how much of that do you come across anyway?). But I think it's a good reminder and definitely encouraging me on this part of my journey to look for opportunities to reach out and do good, or to stop and appreciate the good that is out there in this mixed up, muddled up, shook up world.
"Accept that there are tons of incredibly easy ways to make the world a slightly less shitty place for everyone... Take a deep breath of gratitude for the people out there who actually do make the world a better place. Challenge yourself to be that person, in whatever small way you can manage right now."
http://iambeggingmymothernottoreadthisblog.com/2015/11/28/fifteen-things-for-when-the-world-is-shitty-and-terrifying/
XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment