Where does it hurt?

I'm a liar. I said I was making a comeback and I didn't. There are several reasons for this: 1. Law school is actually kind of hard and time-consuming. 2. I get inspired easily but have a serious lack of follow through. 3. I think this really relates back to #2... I have all these things I want to write about but I'm a perfectionist and so I don't feel like I can just rattle off a quick post and be happy enough with it to share.*

*yes, I realize there is an absolute irony in that I haven't actually shared this blog's existence with anyone in 5 years, so who exactly am I so paranoid about judging me?

So here goes some real life, off the cuff, rambling thoughts.


Recently I've been feeling weighed down by how much struggle and sadness there is in the world. Obviously there's been terrible stuff happening all over the world for... ever. But for some reason it's really been weighing on me how much pain there seems to be everywhere, at every level. From the homeless people I walk by every day on the streets here, to friends and family going through personal stuff, to the precarious future of America, to all the global turmoil. It's just so much and there don't seem to be aren't any easy answers.

There's part of a Warsan Shire poem I haven't been able to get out from the back of my head...

My thought process when thinking about this massive issue breaks up into some basic questions (or maybe I'm just used to outlining answers since all I've done for a week and a half is law school exams)...

#1 - What's up with me? So the first thing I felt like I needed to tackle was why I've been so affected by world events recently. Not that as humans we shouldn't be... but like I said, the tragedies in the news are really not anymore terrible than the tragedies that were in the news a year ago, or five, or twenty, or a hundred. So why am I so caught up in it?

I think the simple answer is that I just don't have anything going on in my personal life right now. It's true. And maybe that isn't a bad thing. I thought my life would be completely taken over by school, but it wasn't the all-consuming experience I'd anticipated. Not to say I couldn't have spent more time studying. Speaking of... I should really be studying for my last final which is Monday. Or sleeping. But I've been totally caught up in this idea of getting out my thoughts, so here we are. So with a casual disinterest in school, no relationship of my own, and few friends in the immediate vicinity, I'm left with preoccupying thoughts of just what the fuck is wrong with the world? Which is a glib way of putting it, but not inaccurate. And trying to unpack that question can get pretty dark and pretty existential relatively quickly.

#2 - What's up with the world? I was talking to Katie O yesterday and rambling about this topic and she said, "Ya know, I don't know what it was like to live in the 40s after WWII, or the 20s after WWI or the 1870s after the Civil War, so I don't know that things really are any worse now than historically." Which is true. Perspective is a bitch. We can't know. We can barely imagine. So let's allow for a minute, that things aren't actually getting worse... The problem is that doesn't really help the issue. It actually makes it harder. Because then we're not faced with a problem that has a contemporary stimulus that we can isolate and potentially address. We're dealing with a simple fact of life that the world is full of pain and sadness and people are bad to each other and that is how it has been and how it will be. If that doesn't bum you out, I guess I need some of whatever you're on.

#3 - Is there anything anyone can do about it? I don't know. I hope so. But even if there is, I'm not sure this line of thinking helps me at the moment, so I'll leave it, at least for now, without further thought.

#4 - Is there anything I can do about it? Ok, so the world sucks, what now? I suppose one option is just "do me." This is the passive approach that I think most people take by default. I could just shrug my shoulders, say, this is just how it is, and go about my life. This doesn't appear to be working for me (see preoccupation discussion that started this).

I could set some lofty goal of changing the world and throw myself into whatever it would take to achieve that. If we're being real, that probably in the short term just means doing well in law school. So I should probably go to bed so I can get up and study and maybe get a decent grade on my Crim final Monday.

But I'm a modern American. I like my gratification instant, thank you very much. So that brings me to the two things I'm trying to focus on right now to make the world a better place. I tried to identify goals and then some concrete, measurable actions to take to accomplish them (look, I actually remember something from being a teacher!). Also I'm writing them down!

Fun fact! Did you know you're 42% more likely to accomplish a goal if you write it down?

Like I was saying, my goals...

1) Work on understanding and appreciating myself. I think this means two things for me right now. First, I want to get back into some of the Eastern phil stuff I got into in college. I think Buddhism and Taoism and Krishnamurti have a lot of ideas that could really help me shape my views on the world and define a purposeful approach. So I'm going to spend some of my Christmas break hitting the books on that stuff. Second, I still have some work to do on figuring what I want and who I am. What does this look like? Writing. I love writing and I love words and so I'm going to commit to writing more. Hopefully here, on a variety of topics from things like this, personal and introspective to newsy things to fun anecdotes if anything interesting ever happens to me ever again (seriously I've had the most boring semester...). But also... I started writing a book, or rather a memoir. I'm sure that sounds crazy because I'm young and not famous and who the fuck cares. But I do, and that's who it is for! I have about two chapters and it has already been emotionally hard, but in a good way. By stepping back and recounting certain times in my life and choices I've made, I'm owning them. And I'm connecting them to each other and to where I am today. And I think that process is really going to help me let go of some of the self-judgment I've been carrying around and understand myself so hopefully I can make choices in the future that are better for me.

2) Make small choices every day to improve the lives of those around me. Today I went for a long walk. I smiled at almost every person I made eye contact with. One exception was this guy who was a total dick at CVS. Look, I'm not a saint, I'm just a girl trying to do better. That guy was rude and he got the mean-mug he deserved. But I digress. I'm hesitant to go too much into the things that I've done or plan to do, because I don't want to "toot my horn" or really invite judgment about whether I'm doing enough or anything worthwhile or if I was a shitty person for not doing these things before... So I'll leave it at: I'm trying to make a conscious choice to be a more positive influence on those around me and to brighten or ease the day of those I come in contact with. Wish me luck...

Also, I'm gonna go ahead and stick a quote and the link to the source post below. I read this earlier this week and it hit home. It isn't perfect, or honestly particularly insightful, life-changing stuff (but really, how much of that do you come across anyway?). But I think it's a good reminder and definitely encouraging me on this part of my journey to look for opportunities to reach out and do good, or to stop and appreciate the good that is out there in this mixed up, muddled up, shook up world.

"Accept that there are tons of incredibly easy ways to make the world a slightly less shitty place for everyone... Take a deep breath of gratitude for the people out there who actually do make the world a better place. Challenge yourself to be that person, in whatever small way you can manage right now."

http://iambeggingmymothernottoreadthisblog.com/2015/11/28/fifteen-things-for-when-the-world-is-shitty-and-terrifying/

XOXO

Today is the day. Pt 2

So why are we here? John Boehner inspired me. Today is the day. Indeed. For me, today is the day I take back up blogging. For him, it was the day he announced he's retiring. You know John, our oompa loompa of a Speaker of the House? I kid. So I'm sure you know that some Republicans, especially the House Freedom Caucus, that are hell-bent on shutting down the federal government in order to defund Planned Parenthood based on incredibly effective propaganda that has a good deal of the legislators, and their constituents, convinced that by providing funding a women's health organization ($0 of which goes to abortion), they're funding abortion. It's like not giving rent money or food to starving kids because their dad has an iPhone 6. Oh, wait, they'd do that too if they could... But come on, you don't starve the kids because some of dad's money might go to something you don't support. And you don't shut down the government in order to defund a women's health organization because you personally don't support 3% of the services they offer, which are LEGAL and YOU DON'T PAY FOR (really can't stress that enough). 99% of sexually active American women at some point in their lives use birth control. The American public, whether it knows it or not, approves of the work PP does with its federal dollars.

So John Boehner has been working on a budget compromise and the far right is apparently sick of him doing his job and attempting to keep the government running and continuing to legislate. As John Avlon put it,"He’s been the adult in the room filled with red-faced tantrums and toddler-esque factional squabbles." These obstinate representatives don't see their jobs as finding the best solution for the largest number of Americans, they see it as refusing to do anything if they can't have their way on everything. So the buzzards have been making buzz about challenging Boehner's Speakership because they want real "leadership" (read: someone who won't compromise ever on anything). Avlon nailed it, saying, "[Boehner's] insistence that governing is more important than grandstanding has made him a punching bag..." Just yesterday the Pope told Congress, “We must move forward together, as one, in a renewed spirit of fraternity and solidarity, cooperating generously for the common good.” Somehow I think the exact sort of behavior he meant to criticize was the bullying from the tea party of their own, pretty damn conservative, party leader. As a liberal sane, engaged American, I'm definitely concerned by the rhetoric that lead to and has come in the wake of Boehner's resignation.

Now, Speaker Boehner isn't someone I see eye-to-eye with on almost any of the issues. But today, that's not the point. The point is that this was sad and scary day for American politics. These ultra-conservatives have no interest in compromise or working with others, and they do so at the detriment to the American public. You don't win all the time. And in a pluralistic society, YOU SHOULDN'T! You hear them talk about speaking for the voice of the people, which is the job of congress in our democratic republic. But there are two major parties and nobody here in Washington got elected by 100% of their constituents. The views of the American people are diverse and so our policies and programs have to be too. It's a hard pill to swallow on both sides of the aisle. But government's purpose isn't to inflate egos or make power plays that divert energy from more important issues and resources from real people and households. Real people like the 2,619,000 non-abortion seeking patients PP saw last year (that's 97% of their 2014 Annual Report estimate of 2.7 million). Real Americans like the 2.7 million (yup, same number!) of federal employees that would be affected by a shutdown (not mention their families, or the 46 million whose food stamps could be affected because there's no cash reserve like there was in 2013), and certainly many others. The voice of the people the far-right claims to represent is, in fact, the voice of only one sect of our society. Coercing the resignation of an elected official who hasn't breached his duty to his constituents is a blatant undermining of our system of government. Because of Boehner's respectable, brave, selfless move, a shutdown next week has more than likely been avoided. I give credit where credit is due and my criticism isn't at all of Boehner stepping down, it's of those that drove him to it and more importantly, their reasons.

It seems a good portion of the republicans are defining leadership as simply a refusal to compromise. Obama said in the aftermath Friday, "I think maybe most importantly [Boehner] is somebody who understands that in governance, you don't get 100 percent of what you want, but you have to work with people who you disagree with, sometime strongly, in order to do the people's business." Other republicans like Mitch McConnell have pointed out that the art of compromise was something every republican's hero, Ronald Reagan, understood. Boehner's resignation is a victory for blackmail over pragmatic governance, of which compromise must be a part. Eisenhower (another GOP powerhouse) said, "Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it." Whereas Caligula is quoted as saying, “I don’t care if they respect me so long as they fear me.” It's pretty clear the latter far more closely aligns to the far right's "leadership" tactics. The irony cannot be ignored as we watch Boehner go out in a touching act of true leadership while extremists call for tyranny that they have the gall to label "leadership."

Peter King (moderate Republican rep) put it simply, "I consider this a victory for the crazies." Indeed. The scary question is, what will their next victory be?

Today is the day. Pt 1

I've been meaning to make my comeback in the blogging world. I mean, it's just selfish to deprive y'all of my musings and, probably more entertainingly, my amusing experiences. So let me catch you up real quick...

I last posted at the end of my senior year of college, May 2010... what's happened since then?

2010 - Joined Teach for America, moved to Montgomery, AL and taught first grade in Hayneville, AL (think super duper poor, rural South). Met some amazing people, but mostly hated my life.
2011 - Moved to Tuscaloosa and taught fifth grade in a more urban environment. Met the worst human I've ever known, discovered how adorable it was that I thought 2010 was bad.
2012 - Moved back to the great state of Oklahoma. Finished my masters in Elementary and Special Education. Dabbled in waitressing just long enough to know I was terrible at it. Started working at MidFirst Bank as a "Financial" Analyst (nope, no numbers. Think internal consultant).
2014 - Bought a house in the Village. My amazing niece MJ was born and everything else ceased to matter.
2015 - Decided to turn my life upside down. Quit my awesome job with the best coworkers ever, leave my beautiful house, family, and friends and move to D.C. to be a broke law student at GW living in a studio in Chinatown that I can't afford. Because security and money and a social life are for the birds. #YOLO

Is that it? Of course not, but for now, it's enough.

So I'm living in D.C. (my favorite city) and I just finished my 6th week of law school classes. It is, in many ways, not at all what I expected. But school stuff is boring and not why I got back on here. If anything juicy comes up, I'll let you know. Splitting this up, so see the next post for my motivation to get back on here...

I became a Phi Mu Alumna Today...

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

I have in fact, not fallen off the face of the earth.

Well hello there friends. It has been awhile and I apologize. Allow me to explain: my life is incredibly boring and devoid of humorous anecdotes entirely. Nevertheless, I shall fill you in on the past few weeks:

I've been reading Harry Potter. Starting with the 4th book, read through the 7th... Found that my emotions became alarming linked to Harry's... and discovered a lack of reason to continue living upon completion of book seven. Tragic, I am aware. I occasionally have been attending a series of boring classes for a few hours Monday through Friday and the rest of my time is devoted to hating all things sorority.

I can sense that by now you are starting to deeply envy my jet-setting lifestyle, but don't be deluded, it hasn't been all rainbows and sunshine.

You see, bursting in and disrupting my FABulous life are random thoughts of the ever-encroaching "future." As you may or may not know, I am set to graduate this May... and have 0 plans for my life post May __ (whatever day graduation is). People keep asking me about this like it is a problem. Mrs. McKnight has been ever-helpful with a weekly slew of suggestions. The most recent: seminary. My back up is Katie O'Neil's couch. I'm pretty sure she's got at least another decade or so before she graduates, so I have time to postpone any real decision making regarding my future. I would, however, not mind getting those concerned friends and family members off my back, so if you know any rich attractive men looking for wives, let me know. I don't cook or clean, but that can be our little secret til after the honeymoon. Oh, and the attractive part is somewhat negotiable, but I'm afraid my high-maintenance-ness and taste level simply won't allow me to compromise on the rich part. Let me know!

Later lovers.

Oh, and here's your Katie O'Neil Quote of the Day:

"I wish her well and sincerely hope she finds a guy who loves her enought to give her 50% in the divorce."

Not Funny, but REALLY good

Okay, so my plan is to keep this lil guy funny for all of you in desperate need of entertainment... (which you clearly are because you read/write blogs!). But this was too good not to post and too long/serious for facebook. I am in LOVE with this Commencement Address by Paul Hawken (a guy I'm doing a report on for a class). This paragraph is just a taste of his delicious treat of a speech! For real, check it out at: http://www.commondreams.org/view/2009/05/23-2

But if you're lazy, at least read this:

The living world is not "out there" somewhere, but in your heart. What do we know about life? In the words of biologist Janine Benyus, life creates the conditions that are conducive to life. I can think of no better motto for a future economy. We have tens of thousands of abandoned homes without people and tens of thousands of abandoned people without homes. We have failed bankers advising failed regulators on how to save failed assets. We are the only species on the planet without full employment. Brilliant. We have an economy that tells us that it is cheaper to destroy earth in real time rather than renew, restore, and sustain it. You can print money to bail out a bank but you can't print life to bail out a planet. At present we are stealing the future, selling it in the present, and calling it gross domestic product. We can just as easily have an economy that is based on healing the future instead of stealing it. We can either create assets for the future or take the assets of the future. One is called restoration and the other exploitation. And whenever we exploit the earth we exploit people and cause untold suffering. Working for the earth is not a way to get rich, it is a way to be rich.

Life Lessons from the McKnights...

As Katie tries to beat David and he holds her wrists...
David: This is spousal abuse!
Katie: It's not spousal abuse if you deserve it!

(disclaimer, no parties involved or present think spousal abuse is a laughing matter, this is funny because it's IRONIC cause Katie doesn't really believe that)

Talking about eating disorders...
Katie: Is it bad to be bulimic if you only do it for a little while?
David: No, that's called dieting!


BAHAHA can't wait for them to have children!